Yet another reason you shouldn’t Facebook stalk your ex:
Breakups are supposed to be the
end
of a relationship. Whether the end came via a fight or a fizzle, after a
relationship used to end, it required some significant effort to
contact an ex or figure out what was going on in his or her life. Now,
social networking sites like Facebook can keep you digitally connected
to exes, whether or not it’s good for you.
Social media and breakups
A
growing body of research demonstrates that although we could delete
that connection and “defriend” an ex, we often choose to stay virtually
linked. We don’t necessarily maintain that connection due to feelings of
closeness or friendship,
though; users typically admit staying linked so they can “Facebook
stalk” to see how an ex’s life progresses after the breakup:
Is s/he posting about the breakup?
Is s/he brooding over the relationship?
Is that song lyric or sassy quote directed at me?
Has anyone started to flirt or show romantic interest?
Is s/he dating someone new?
Before
social networking sites, we’d often have to rely on updates from common
friends if we wanted to get information about our exes without directly
contacting them. Now, our friend Facebook is ready and willing to share
this information with a few quick clicks. And Facebook will never
chastise you for asking.
Although social networking sites enable
you to access to such information, if you’re distressed about a breakup,
it’s in your best interest not to. Ruminating too much about a
terminated relationship tends to augment feelings of sadness and regret
and stifle the healing process. Similarly, looking at artifacts of the
relationship or “creeping” on your ex’s profile on Facebook can keep you
stuck in a post-breakup funk. Research by Dr. Tara Marshall has shown
that, regardless of any offline contact, following your ex’s activity on
Facebook will prolong your distress, increase negative feelings,
promote more longing, and postpone emotional recovery.
The role of attachment
As noted in my earlier post (you can read and take a quiz on your attachment style here), people with anxious attachment styles are more likely to engage in Facebook stalking. Thus, those with preoccupied and fearful
attachment styles may be at higher risk of post-breakup distress and
hindered recovery due to intensive monitoring an ex on Facebook.
The
end of relationships are especially hard on those with anxious
attachment styles. As Dr. Katie Warber notes, “Such individuals tend to
become preoccupied with checking their ex's Facebook page. They find
themselves looking at pictures and status updates—even asking friends to
monitor their former partner's page—which can ultimately compound
feelings of loneliness and loss.”
Your best bet, then, is not to monitor your ex on Facebook at all, especially if you have an anxious attachment style. Willpower
can be lacking when you’re emotionally drained from a breakup, so even
if you’re typically a limited Facebook user, you may need to figure out
ways to keep yourself away from your ex’s page. Here are some options:
